Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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