oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
