based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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