there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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