My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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