Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
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