It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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