The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
