So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Found the puke drawer
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
