Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
