Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
farters have to be the big spoon...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
