Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
50% drunk capacity currently
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
