Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
