Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
