I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
