I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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