4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
