Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
