genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
