Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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