i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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