i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
