if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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