omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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