there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
