she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
