It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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