How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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