haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
