i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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