At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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