I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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