I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
