when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
