Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
