So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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