I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
