it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
