i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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