then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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