Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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