$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
