Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
