One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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