I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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