my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
