Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Alive.
So much puke
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
