imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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