So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
