I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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