I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
