Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
