I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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